Thoughts On Becoming A Mama
In November 2021 I became a mama. Being a mom is something I always wanted — something I’d always envisioned for my life (let’s just say I started a list of baby names from a very young age). Would I say that I felt like it was my ‘calling’ or that I had ‘baby fever?’ No, probably not. It just felt like it was something I was meant to be and then when I met Patrick, my hubby, having a family of our own just felt so right.
So, last year I was lucky enough to become one. And when I say ‘lucky’ I do not use that word lightly. I know how hard it can be to have a baby. I was naive enough to think we’d get pregnant on the first try, and that most certainly did not happen. You spend the majority of your life trying not to get pregnant because you feel like it’s so easy, then when you actually want to get pregnant and it doesn’t happen right away you question the whole thing. There’s been several milestones in my life where the universe is teaching me “patience” and trying to get pregnant is certainly one of them. Sidenote, if anyone is trying to conceive, two of my favorite books were Spirit Babies by Walter Makichen and Spiritual Fertility by Dr. Julie Von.
I spent the ladder half of my pregnancy preparing for birth. I followed all the insta accounts, did all the online courses, printed hospital bag lists, birthing positions, breathing exercises, mantras to repeat, etcetera, etcetera. Then I quickly learned that you basically have no control over your birth experience. Your body takes over. It was more painful than I could possibly imagine and I still have no idea how women do it (and multiple times, too). Even with an epidural. Five and half months later and I’m still recovering. Not in a traumatic sense, but in complete shock that my body was able to birth a human and how fast it all happened. I’ll save the birth story for another day.
What I quickly realized was that I spent way to much time preparing for actual labor and did essentially no research on what came after. Like how to actually take care of this new being and how to take care of myself in the aftermath. And I totally get it, your motherly instincts and intuition kick in, and your body does its thing to heal — but wow, there was just so much I didn’t know and so much that took me by surprise based on my particular experience.
Everything was giving me anxiety. There was so much to learn and figure out. Breastfeeding (especially because my tiny human was born so… tiny), sleeping, how to deal with the sound of your baby crying, schedules and wake windows, tummy time, bath time, swaddling, pumping, healing, crying out of nowhere… just to name a few. It’s a lot. And there I was again thinking to myself, I have no idea how other woman do this.
I went into motherhood thinking that it was going to be easy. That I was going to be the coolest, chillest boy mom. And what happened was virtually the opposite. Some days I feel really ashamed. Like I’ve been missing the good stuff because I’m too hung up on the bad stuff. I considered taking Zoloft, but it didn’t feel right. I started lots of supplements instead and I started asking questions to all of my mom friends every chance I got. Instead of therapy, I turned to them and it was the only thing that made me feel better.
I finally feel like I’m coming out of the fog and starting to enjoy it more. And I type that with hesitancy knowing that this is probably a lifelong journey that I’m going to walk as a mom. Day after day I will need to relearn patience and trust and giving up control. And I will need to focus on love. Loving my tiny, delicious miracle of a human and loving myself. Because it’s really easy to doubt yourself as a mom. To think you’re not doing things ‘right’ whatever ‘right’ is.
And that brings me to this podcast. As I write this, I’ve talked to about four people about this idea (my husband being one of them). It’s in its infancy stages. Still brewing. Still taking shape. But all I know is that I want to talk to other moms. I have so many friends that are moms, and I didn’t really start talking to them about the motherhood journey until I became one. They all have so much wisdom to share, and I want to learn from them. So that’s what we’ll do. Together. Because the only way to be a mom is to walk with other mamas too.
